I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
