The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
