I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
