3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
