I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You ate ashes out of my bong
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
