I hate your face
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
