I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
