Got a toothbrush?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
