that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
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He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
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That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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