Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
