so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
