I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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