Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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