i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I deserve this hangover.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
