I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
