When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
