I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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