dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
