I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
