I think I died a long time ago.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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