cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
