I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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