Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
