I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
