my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
