I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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