It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
