Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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