We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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