I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Your penis caused this!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
