I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
