last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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