haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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