I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
