I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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