he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
