If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
