woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
