Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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