remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
