I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
