Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
