every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
