oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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