I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
