last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
