That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
