loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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