wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
