apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
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I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Never underestimate the power of titties
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