Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I faked an abortion last night.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
