The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
