You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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