I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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