Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
