I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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