I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
