He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
