I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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