My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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