Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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